The nine months of gravidity can be the longest of your life. There are so many emotions, not to mention the corporeal aspects. To me, no time during gravidity is longer than the time important up to the sonogram. The days stretched on forever. Weeks never seemed to end. Anticipation grew faster than my belly.
I wanted confirmation that I was having a girl. I knew in my heart that I was having a girl. The Chinese birth chart knew it was a girl. I told all our friends I wanted a girl. I needed a girl. I have a husband, two sons and a male dog. My team needed other player! I slept with a pink blanket under my pillow. I was very faithful to know buy anyone girly but I readily approved gifts for my dinky princess to be. She even had a name, Braylen Caroline. I could barely sleep the night before the sonogram. Work that day as torture.
Baby Boys Layette Sets
We all went, my husband and the boys (the dog had to stay home), to the appointment. everybody else was on stay by, waiting to hear. I relaxed a dinky as the sonogram began. I could see the baby's heartbeat, which was good news. The sonogram technician told us that the baby was measuring well and appeared to be healthy. More good news.
After the Sonogram
But then, a dinky something came on the screen. I tensed up. "Please let it be her elbow or something." I thought. Then the tech pointed an arrow to it and typed Boy.
My husband squeezed my hand, a tear ran down my cheek and my dreams of pink died. I never out and out bawled. No fit was thrown. Just slow silent tears that didn't want to stop.
After the sonogram, I tried to fetch myself up to go down the hall to the exam rooms. I thought, "It's ok to cry here. Women cry here all the time. Don't be embarrassed." That's when it hit me. Women did cry here all the time. But they were crying because they can't have children or their baby is sick before it's even born. Or even worse, their baby has died. They did not cry because they did not get their way.
So, I tried to pull myself together. I had a wholesome baby boy on the way. I sent out a cheery text message to my friends. I smiled for my boys. But the tears just wouldn't stop. I could not well talk about it. I made my husband call my mom and mom in law. I kept reasoning about that dinky denim dress with my university embroidered on it that my dinky girl would not get to wear. It was at home, in the crib with a precious princess layette set. Thankfully, my husband had his brother go take off those things from our house before we got home.
Before I left work that day, my good friend Amy gave me some great advice. She told me it would be ok to be upset if it wasn't a girl. Being upset wouldn't mean that I didn't love a baby boy any less. In my mind, I had "birthed" this baby girl, Braylen. She was so real to me. I could picture the things we would do together. But she was gone. And she deserved to be grieved.
So, at home, I gathered up my diet coke and chewy chocolate chip cookies and got in a bubble bath. I cried a dinky more. When my youngest son came in so excited about his new baby brother, I decided it was time to get out and get on with life.
My friends were starting to text and email me astounding words of encouragement and support. I started reasoning about the great things in store for my baby boy - Brennan Wyatt (he had a name all along, too). I saw how excited my boys were to add to their ranks. My youngest son was especially excited and funny. "I disagree with his name. All babies should be named baby."
My husband and I had a contest of sorts. The "we'll never have to" contest: We'll never have to buy a 0 prom dress and things like that. I won the contest with my realization that I would never have to explain anyone's period to her. My husband was relieved to have avoided that aspect of dinky girls.
All in all, my pity party lasted about an hour. But, it was an important hour. I let go of Braylen and welcomed Brennan.
Some citizen will try and tell you that you should get your hopes up for one sex over the other. That's a personal thing. I think hope is good. You never know what you can have until you hope and pray for it.
It is ok to be disappointed after the sonogram. After all, you had your heart set on something and now things are different. dissimilar isn't good or bad - just different. It takes time to adjust to a new thing. But, you do need to adjust. For the sake of the baby that is on his or her way. And for your own sanity.
After the Sonogram
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